The Hausmeister of Tarforst cannot smile or laugh. His ancient face would break.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst does not have children at home because when they were birthed they flew away on leathery wings.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst is made of slime and scales and mutilated puppy dog tails.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst hates happiness. It angers him.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst crawled from the depths of another dimension, if you stare directly into his eyes you can see the deep, emptiness of Zero.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst was born at the age of 65 from someone's mutilated penis and sea foam.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst cannot eat sugar, anything sweet with rot his miserable head.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst is mostly cyborg. He had his feeling removed many eons ago.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst once got drunk and tried to beat his wife, but he fell down the stairs instead. That's why his head is so soft.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst wears those flannet long sleeve shirts because his torso is burned from the sun. He cannot stand the sun.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst causes the constant rain in Trier. He wants to spread despair and disease in his miserable wake.
The Hausmeister of Tarforst will one day die and when his tainted spirit reaches it's destination he will topple the dark master of that realm. From his black throne he will lash together a machine of bone and blood and, fueled by his hatred of college students, this fear engine will bore a hole between this one and that one. When it begins we will hear the sound of children screaming - as if from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As he slips through the widening maw in his new form the Trier will catch only a moment of his radiance before it is incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down his face, his dark work will begin.
He will open one of his six mouths and sing the song that ends the Earth.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
WHAT?!
WHAT?
Things are getting stranger and stranger here. I went for a two hour walk to find the Visa office and started out in good spirits. As I went, though, I started to get a stuffy head and my throat started to clog. I got sicker and sicker with each step and I had no choice but to continue on to the Visa place where I met a man who spoke like a Nazi and I got my Passport all updated and stuff.
So, I began to walk home, back to the Porta Nigra where I could catch the bus but I was feeling absolutely miserable. Half an hour later when I finally got into my room I collapsed on the bed in tears, completely confused as to how I had gotten a fever.
The next 24 hours in bed were harrowing. I couldn't get up to make myself food so I didn't eat for a whole day, I couldn't get myself water so I just sat in bed and had nightmares all through the night, waking up every two hours or so. It was the most miserable night I've ever had. But here's the funny part:
For the last two weeks or so I've had a big, loose taste bud in the center of my tongue. It was HUGE and it moved around, like it was going to fall off. I didn't think much of it all night but after 24 hours of total suffering I looked in the mirror to find it was big, loose, purple and infected. I touched it and it fell right off. Throat pain cleared and headache started to fade. I had been in misery because my TASTE BUD was infected. How does this happen? I'm beginning to think that certain unique things only happen to me.
Things are getting stranger and stranger here. I went for a two hour walk to find the Visa office and started out in good spirits. As I went, though, I started to get a stuffy head and my throat started to clog. I got sicker and sicker with each step and I had no choice but to continue on to the Visa place where I met a man who spoke like a Nazi and I got my Passport all updated and stuff.
So, I began to walk home, back to the Porta Nigra where I could catch the bus but I was feeling absolutely miserable. Half an hour later when I finally got into my room I collapsed on the bed in tears, completely confused as to how I had gotten a fever.
The next 24 hours in bed were harrowing. I couldn't get up to make myself food so I didn't eat for a whole day, I couldn't get myself water so I just sat in bed and had nightmares all through the night, waking up every two hours or so. It was the most miserable night I've ever had. But here's the funny part:
For the last two weeks or so I've had a big, loose taste bud in the center of my tongue. It was HUGE and it moved around, like it was going to fall off. I didn't think much of it all night but after 24 hours of total suffering I looked in the mirror to find it was big, loose, purple and infected. I touched it and it fell right off. Throat pain cleared and headache started to fade. I had been in misery because my TASTE BUD was infected. How does this happen? I'm beginning to think that certain unique things only happen to me.
Double Post!
I just can't stop failing. Within a few hours of getting my door open I left with Matt and Heather to go into town and finally buy a cell phone. The phone was only 15 Euro and came with 5 Euros worth of minute already on it but alas, as I reached into my pocket I realized something so tragic it should not even be believed.
I had forgotten my key again.
Locked out now for the third time in two days I desperately ran back to campus with Heather and she boosted me up to my window which was, sadly, closed. I was out of options. It was the weekend.
So, we all gathered in Amanda's room and got our drink on with four bottles of wine and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Danielle from Ireland came over since she was sick and Amanda made her some chicken soup. Then there was me and Amanda and Heather and Didzis and Andris from Latvia came by. Selver and Bueket from Turkey came later and we drank heartily and started up a dance party in the room before heading out to Zapotex's for a post-test celebration.
So, I've got nowhere to go. I don't really want to sleep on Amanda's floor and I don't really want to have to bug Matt again but once I get to Zapotex's the wine hits me and I pass out in the bathroom for about half an hour. Then I rant to some Japanese students in German for twenty minutes (I think they really liked me) and I sat outside for an undetermined amount of time, zoning out and I got the phone number of this cool British guy. Said British guy I knew before hand and it was just a friendly number exchanging but it was a little jarring to look in my phone, see him number, and then not remember having exchanged numbers with anyone. Ah, wine drunk.
I ended up being walked to the bus stop by all of above mentioned friends who were planning on salsa dancing (I was in no condition to even brush my own teeth at this point) and I somehow got on the bus and made my way to Heather's bed where I crashed. Heather woke me up a few hours later by crawling into bed next to me and we slept until around 11 when I called the Hausmeister and gave up 15 Euros to get my room unlocked. Man, money is going fast.
I had forgotten my key again.
Locked out now for the third time in two days I desperately ran back to campus with Heather and she boosted me up to my window which was, sadly, closed. I was out of options. It was the weekend.
So, we all gathered in Amanda's room and got our drink on with four bottles of wine and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Danielle from Ireland came over since she was sick and Amanda made her some chicken soup. Then there was me and Amanda and Heather and Didzis and Andris from Latvia came by. Selver and Bueket from Turkey came later and we drank heartily and started up a dance party in the room before heading out to Zapotex's for a post-test celebration.
So, I've got nowhere to go. I don't really want to sleep on Amanda's floor and I don't really want to have to bug Matt again but once I get to Zapotex's the wine hits me and I pass out in the bathroom for about half an hour. Then I rant to some Japanese students in German for twenty minutes (I think they really liked me) and I sat outside for an undetermined amount of time, zoning out and I got the phone number of this cool British guy. Said British guy I knew before hand and it was just a friendly number exchanging but it was a little jarring to look in my phone, see him number, and then not remember having exchanged numbers with anyone. Ah, wine drunk.
I ended up being walked to the bus stop by all of above mentioned friends who were planning on salsa dancing (I was in no condition to even brush my own teeth at this point) and I somehow got on the bus and made my way to Heather's bed where I crashed. Heather woke me up a few hours later by crawling into bed next to me and we slept until around 11 when I called the Hausmeister and gave up 15 Euros to get my room unlocked. Man, money is going fast.
Friday, October 17, 2008
THE LOCK OUT
Alright. So, my continued Failures of Germany series; yesterday I locked myself out of my room. Twice. Sort of. This is how it went:
I woke up at 9 and stumbled out of my room to class. Class was fine and dandy, it was the last day, we had sang songs and all that jazz, but as I was walking back to my room I realized: MY KEY IS STILL ON THE TABLE. AND THE DOOR AUTOMATICALLY LOCKS.
I ran straight to the Hausmeister who was NOT there (he's never there when you need him) and then sat in Amanda's room, depressed for some time. Only later when the Hausmeister happened to walk by and open my door did I realize my folly. I went to reach for my key and it wasn't in the room either! Where could it be?
I slowly reached into my pocket and my heart froze as I pulled out....my key. I got laughed at a lot, then, but I was in my room and all was good.
Fast forward to later when I'm sitting in my room with my spankin' new guitar and Amanda calls my name. I grab my stuffed dog and cigarettes and walk into the hall and....BAM the fucking door slams shut on me. LOCKED OUT AGAIN. I screamed a long, loud, 'FUUUUUUUUUUUCK' and then walked around the entire campus looking for someone to help me. In a tank top. With no shoes. In the rain. All over the whole campus. I had Chadwin in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and I was limping from the effort since there are cobblestones everywhere and they HURT.
No one would light my cigarette since I looked like a crazy person, I suppose, and they walked on the other side of the sidewalk from me so I laughed at them to make them uncomfortable. Selver found me then and went to go get our tutors but she disappeared under the bridge and I stood there, yelling her name and looking really messed up. I waddled back to the dorm and was sad.
So, what's a girl to do? I realized I had a few choices:
1. Sleep on Amanda's floor
2. Sleep on Heather's floor
3. Sleep in Matt's bed with a down comfortor
I made this very hard choice and called up Matt. Then, after watching Ferngully in slightly improved spirits I borrowed a jacket, some shoes, and some money for the bus from Amanda and made my way into the city. It's about a twenty minute bus ride and then a twenty minute walk to Cusanushaus where Matt lives so I made the trek in the dark of the night, scared half to fucking death. After I got there he bought me a beer and we just hung out before crashing. For some reason I drool a lot in Matt's bed, I don't know why that is since I don't drool much in my own bed. Maybe I'm just reaaaaly comfortable in the down comfortor.
Funny story, though, since sometime after we fell asleep Matt, while sleeping mind you, very huskily said, 'ooooh yeah, that's right' and I was suddenly very awake. I started laughing at him but he didn't wake up so I just made fun of him in the morning. He told me he must have been heartily agreeing with someone in his dream. Sure.
So, that was my lock-out story. Matt and I got up at 7 in time for the test, the test went well, and the Hausmeister unlocked my door after being a huge ass. Amanda started laughing at him and he yelled at her in German to 'not laugh! it's not funny!!!' and we laughed harder. He hates us now.
So, don't get locked out in Germany. You'll have to sleep with boys and take long walks.
I woke up at 9 and stumbled out of my room to class. Class was fine and dandy, it was the last day, we had sang songs and all that jazz, but as I was walking back to my room I realized: MY KEY IS STILL ON THE TABLE. AND THE DOOR AUTOMATICALLY LOCKS.
I ran straight to the Hausmeister who was NOT there (he's never there when you need him) and then sat in Amanda's room, depressed for some time. Only later when the Hausmeister happened to walk by and open my door did I realize my folly. I went to reach for my key and it wasn't in the room either! Where could it be?
I slowly reached into my pocket and my heart froze as I pulled out....my key. I got laughed at a lot, then, but I was in my room and all was good.
Fast forward to later when I'm sitting in my room with my spankin' new guitar and Amanda calls my name. I grab my stuffed dog and cigarettes and walk into the hall and....BAM the fucking door slams shut on me. LOCKED OUT AGAIN. I screamed a long, loud, 'FUUUUUUUUUUUCK' and then walked around the entire campus looking for someone to help me. In a tank top. With no shoes. In the rain. All over the whole campus. I had Chadwin in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and I was limping from the effort since there are cobblestones everywhere and they HURT.
No one would light my cigarette since I looked like a crazy person, I suppose, and they walked on the other side of the sidewalk from me so I laughed at them to make them uncomfortable. Selver found me then and went to go get our tutors but she disappeared under the bridge and I stood there, yelling her name and looking really messed up. I waddled back to the dorm and was sad.
So, what's a girl to do? I realized I had a few choices:
1. Sleep on Amanda's floor
2. Sleep on Heather's floor
3. Sleep in Matt's bed with a down comfortor
I made this very hard choice and called up Matt. Then, after watching Ferngully in slightly improved spirits I borrowed a jacket, some shoes, and some money for the bus from Amanda and made my way into the city. It's about a twenty minute bus ride and then a twenty minute walk to Cusanushaus where Matt lives so I made the trek in the dark of the night, scared half to fucking death. After I got there he bought me a beer and we just hung out before crashing. For some reason I drool a lot in Matt's bed, I don't know why that is since I don't drool much in my own bed. Maybe I'm just reaaaaly comfortable in the down comfortor.
Funny story, though, since sometime after we fell asleep Matt, while sleeping mind you, very huskily said, 'ooooh yeah, that's right' and I was suddenly very awake. I started laughing at him but he didn't wake up so I just made fun of him in the morning. He told me he must have been heartily agreeing with someone in his dream. Sure.
So, that was my lock-out story. Matt and I got up at 7 in time for the test, the test went well, and the Hausmeister unlocked my door after being a huge ass. Amanda started laughing at him and he yelled at her in German to 'not laugh! it's not funny!!!' and we laughed harder. He hates us now.
So, don't get locked out in Germany. You'll have to sleep with boys and take long walks.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The 'Us' Day
So, Amanda and I decided (well, not really decided, but ended up sleeping in and then being stuck with the decision) to stay in from our respective excursions and have an 'Us' Day. This is how it went:
I awoke around noon and knocked on Amanda's door. We decided to head over to the small market and exchange our bottles for precious MONIES as we were both low. But wait! What was this in our mailboxes?! A Sparkasse card?!?! Our hopes hinged on this single event, we had waited with baited breath, and here it was: OUR SPARKASSE BANK CARDS.
We laufed over to the Geldautomat and checked to see if there was any money on the card and WHAT? 350 EURO?? We rejoiced and threw our bottles into the air, dancing and singing. We celebrated with an extravagent meal at an Indian restaurant and by going on a shopping spree (don't worry, we were still budgeting).
So, after our delicious meal Amanda and I went into town where she bought a new red and black dress and I bought a small black dress for 5 Euros along with earrings, stockings, and a new matching underwear set and the most bomb awesome black and white scarf. I was in a shopping mood for the first time in my entire life. We rejoiced heartily.
Later, we grabbed a bottle of wine and drank while watching Treasure Planet, getting ready for the Mexican birthday going on in Martinskloster. I wore high heeled boots which was the biggest mistake of my life as we not only walked to Martinskloster from the Porta Nigra (a 20ish minute walk) we also walked to A1 from Martinskloster which was another 20-30 minute walk. My feet were bloody stumps by the end. I spent the whole of the night sitting on a bar stool, drinking tap water and feeling, or rather, not feeling, my feet.
Met up with this strange guy who is what I will now dub 'MexiFrench'. Born in Mexico, lives in France, speaks complete gibberish almost all of the time. He was smitten with Amanda and, because he was a nice guy, he came home in our cab with us and we made some food which he ate with us before leaving to catch his train to France. I forgot to mention that it was 6:00 am when we left the club and almost 7:30 by the time I got to bed. The saddest part was that I was not even drunk, just tired and in pain.
I could never recall the MexiFrench's name and so I refer to him as Bippidee Bopiddy Boo. It was something in that area.
Finally got to sleep after a night of being pressed close to smelly people and it was wonderful. My stuffed dog awaited me and all was right with the world.
I awoke around noon and knocked on Amanda's door. We decided to head over to the small market and exchange our bottles for precious MONIES as we were both low. But wait! What was this in our mailboxes?! A Sparkasse card?!?! Our hopes hinged on this single event, we had waited with baited breath, and here it was: OUR SPARKASSE BANK CARDS.
We laufed over to the Geldautomat and checked to see if there was any money on the card and WHAT? 350 EURO?? We rejoiced and threw our bottles into the air, dancing and singing. We celebrated with an extravagent meal at an Indian restaurant and by going on a shopping spree (don't worry, we were still budgeting).
So, after our delicious meal Amanda and I went into town where she bought a new red and black dress and I bought a small black dress for 5 Euros along with earrings, stockings, and a new matching underwear set and the most bomb awesome black and white scarf. I was in a shopping mood for the first time in my entire life. We rejoiced heartily.
Later, we grabbed a bottle of wine and drank while watching Treasure Planet, getting ready for the Mexican birthday going on in Martinskloster. I wore high heeled boots which was the biggest mistake of my life as we not only walked to Martinskloster from the Porta Nigra (a 20ish minute walk) we also walked to A1 from Martinskloster which was another 20-30 minute walk. My feet were bloody stumps by the end. I spent the whole of the night sitting on a bar stool, drinking tap water and feeling, or rather, not feeling, my feet.
Met up with this strange guy who is what I will now dub 'MexiFrench'. Born in Mexico, lives in France, speaks complete gibberish almost all of the time. He was smitten with Amanda and, because he was a nice guy, he came home in our cab with us and we made some food which he ate with us before leaving to catch his train to France. I forgot to mention that it was 6:00 am when we left the club and almost 7:30 by the time I got to bed. The saddest part was that I was not even drunk, just tired and in pain.
I could never recall the MexiFrench's name and so I refer to him as Bippidee Bopiddy Boo. It was something in that area.
Finally got to sleep after a night of being pressed close to smelly people and it was wonderful. My stuffed dog awaited me and all was right with the world.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
THE LAST THREE WEEKS IN RHEINLAND-PFALZ
So, the few of you who follow my blog are probably wondering where the fuck I've been over the last three weeks or so. Here is a very fast and sweet summary of events:
One day Matt Bongers and Forehead from The Great Land of Minneapolis called and said they were hitch hiking through. The next day they were here with three other friends and they stayed in our rooms (me and Amanda) for a good while. There was much drinking and partying and fun to be had and most of them got really sucked into watching House. Forehead gave me a tattoo with a sewing needle and some India Ink and then I gave myself one on my knee of musical notes that hurt like a fucking bitch.
We spent many nights at the Irish Pub and, after about three days, the OTHER International students got here. There was Anne from Virginia and Matt from Colorado, and then Buket and Selver from Turkey and Andres and Didzes (which I cannot spell or pronounce) from Latvia who are beautiful, and many, many more. So now we ALL went out drinking and partying every night and Jake, one of the hitch hikers, fell desperately in love with a beautiful 28 year old Polish waitress. She took him home and treated him like a King and managed to get me a job at a bar (which I am still waiting on news for) and when he left they parted sweetly.
The hitch hikers eventually left, first the four, Britney, Mitch, Jake, and Bongers, and then Forehead several days later. Forehead, having fallen into something resembling love with a beautiful Turkish girl, was verliebt for the last couple days. I had an affair and then another and fell into a pattern of drinking and singing and dancing and then drinking and then passing the fuck out. In a healthy, regular drinker sort of way. Not in a 'drunk at 10 am' sort of way. Don't worry, Amanda Dutcher's relatives. I know you read this.
So, the hitch hikers left after giving me a bitchin' tattoo and being awesome for about a week and a half and now it feels lonely around here. It went from nothing going on in the Land of Douche to a million things happening at every second of the day. Amanda spent a day washing her floor since our rooms were pretty trashed. I had to move everything around and now my bed is under the window (A MISTAKE). It's cold all the time there and I wake up sort of damp feeling from dew.
During The Hitch Hiker Time we went to new bars, Forehead sang 'Sweet Caroline' and it was the greatest karaoke performance ever, we all got drunk by the Mosel River and rolled in itch weed, met another student from Hamline (Heather), and everyone fell in something like love. It was a crazy, crazy time. I had a lot of weird dreams during this period, too. I can't even begin to describe them.
So, this is the first part of 'What's Been Up With Monad'. When I think of more I'll update again. Right now there is not much to do and not much happening. Tonight, I plan on being drunk again and dancing, an activity I only participate in when totally 'shit faced' as we say back in the States.
And no, Tyler, no one has stolen my asian treasures. They're still safe and sound, tucked away. I'm trying to figure out which cigarettes to get you, if I could find cigarettes made from the water of the Rhein and the blood of a Nazi, and tobacco dried in the heart of a German volacno, I would dub them 'Guten Tag' and bring them to thee. But German doesn't really have 'GERMAN' cigarettes. Everything says 'AMERICAN BLEND!' on them and then 'Made in the EU' in tiny lettering.
So, bis bald, until next time, dear readers. A lot is happening, a lot of German is being learned, and someday I hope to be able to post in Deutsch. Vielleicht. Go ahead and throw some comments my way, it's still lonely sometimes in this vast interweb.
One day Matt Bongers and Forehead from The Great Land of Minneapolis called and said they were hitch hiking through. The next day they were here with three other friends and they stayed in our rooms (me and Amanda) for a good while. There was much drinking and partying and fun to be had and most of them got really sucked into watching House. Forehead gave me a tattoo with a sewing needle and some India Ink and then I gave myself one on my knee of musical notes that hurt like a fucking bitch.
We spent many nights at the Irish Pub and, after about three days, the OTHER International students got here. There was Anne from Virginia and Matt from Colorado, and then Buket and Selver from Turkey and Andres and Didzes (which I cannot spell or pronounce) from Latvia who are beautiful, and many, many more. So now we ALL went out drinking and partying every night and Jake, one of the hitch hikers, fell desperately in love with a beautiful 28 year old Polish waitress. She took him home and treated him like a King and managed to get me a job at a bar (which I am still waiting on news for) and when he left they parted sweetly.
The hitch hikers eventually left, first the four, Britney, Mitch, Jake, and Bongers, and then Forehead several days later. Forehead, having fallen into something resembling love with a beautiful Turkish girl, was verliebt for the last couple days. I had an affair and then another and fell into a pattern of drinking and singing and dancing and then drinking and then passing the fuck out. In a healthy, regular drinker sort of way. Not in a 'drunk at 10 am' sort of way. Don't worry, Amanda Dutcher's relatives. I know you read this.
So, the hitch hikers left after giving me a bitchin' tattoo and being awesome for about a week and a half and now it feels lonely around here. It went from nothing going on in the Land of Douche to a million things happening at every second of the day. Amanda spent a day washing her floor since our rooms were pretty trashed. I had to move everything around and now my bed is under the window (A MISTAKE). It's cold all the time there and I wake up sort of damp feeling from dew.
During The Hitch Hiker Time we went to new bars, Forehead sang 'Sweet Caroline' and it was the greatest karaoke performance ever, we all got drunk by the Mosel River and rolled in itch weed, met another student from Hamline (Heather), and everyone fell in something like love. It was a crazy, crazy time. I had a lot of weird dreams during this period, too. I can't even begin to describe them.
So, this is the first part of 'What's Been Up With Monad'. When I think of more I'll update again. Right now there is not much to do and not much happening. Tonight, I plan on being drunk again and dancing, an activity I only participate in when totally 'shit faced' as we say back in the States.
And no, Tyler, no one has stolen my asian treasures. They're still safe and sound, tucked away. I'm trying to figure out which cigarettes to get you, if I could find cigarettes made from the water of the Rhein and the blood of a Nazi, and tobacco dried in the heart of a German volacno, I would dub them 'Guten Tag' and bring them to thee. But German doesn't really have 'GERMAN' cigarettes. Everything says 'AMERICAN BLEND!' on them and then 'Made in the EU' in tiny lettering.
So, bis bald, until next time, dear readers. A lot is happening, a lot of German is being learned, and someday I hope to be able to post in Deutsch. Vielleicht. Go ahead and throw some comments my way, it's still lonely sometimes in this vast interweb.
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