RAGE AND BAAAWW

Rufus Wainwright is playing at the State Theatre on October 16th an I am in Europe. My heart is mother fucking broken. I think I'll treat myself to Joshua Bell in Paris to make up for it but it's not Rufus Wainwright. It's just not. Even if it is in Paris on my birthday. BAW.

On another note, I was waving my arms around to The Velvet Underground and Nico, 'I'll Be Your Mirror' and some German people thought I was waving at them and they stopped and stared at me and I just felt really weird.

Now we're singing along to Kanye West on a bench and it is infinitely more awesome in a different way.

FIXED

I decided that I should sit down, read and Irvine Welsh book, and listen to Bob Dylan.

I am on the way to recovery.

It Was Bound to Happen

Amanda is back and thank god, now I have someone to talk to and I can finally type on my computer again. I still don't have a converter. But what, you ask, was bound to happen?

It's a vicious cycle, I keep rediscovering emo things. No matter what I do, I accidentally turn on The Spill Canvas or I listen to Jesus of Suburbia one too many times and suddenly I'm all dressed in black and looking sad again. It's not a good look for me, this I know, but I'm at a picnic table right now, listening to The Tide and being melancholy. MELANCHOLY, this is never a good thing. Remind me that this is horrible. Remind me that black is not my color. Tell me about the sunshine again. "I'm the son of rage and love. The Jesus of Suburbia, from the bible of none of the above, on a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin..."

I'm not playing around here. I'm emo again. Make it stop.

The Wonderful World of...

So, Haribo macht Kinder froh. Sometimes, staring into the Haribo gummi packages I start to think, wistfully to myself, how wonderful it would be to live in the Wonderful World of Haribo. I'd be surrounded with happy children and gummi bears and all sorts of delicious gummi creatures. The sun would always be shining and we would have adventures for gummi treasure that would be rewarding and lecker.

I actually thought all of this today when I ran out of gummis. I was looking into the empty package and wondering what a life in that wonderful world would be like.

Wha-wha?

I was on my way to the library when I heard a man and a woman talking to each other from very far away. It sounded EXACTLY as if the man was talking BACKWARDS and I thought that, for a moment, in the dark black night of Doucheland, I had found myself trapped in some sort of temporal vortex. Alas, as I got closer I heard he was speaking in Mardarin.

To address the lack of hipsters or emos here:

Imagine 16 year olds gathered on a corner. The boys have black or closely shaved hair and the girls have colourful, dark hair. The boys are wearing giant, FUBU-like jackets and cocked white and black trucker hats. Their pants are dark and baggy and they have a lot of chains. The girls are skinnier than rails and wearing skinny jeans, black high heels, and have shirts that their lacy black bras come out the back of. Their hair is teased and they have large hoop or dangling earrings and lots of mascara on.

It seems that German youth culture is copying American hip hop culture. All of these kids are white. All look very rich. They smoke their skinny cigarettes outside of Burger King during the day and around the Banhof at night. It is harrowing.

Eine Frage

Hello Dear Readers, Herren und Damen, Ladies and People,

It's another fine and boring day in Doucheland. Thought I'd fill everyone in on the occurances of the day and give some lovely insights. I woke up BEFORE noon today and made myself some lunch which I carried to the Menses and ate with Flow. I also obtained a large, 70's style armchair which is now sitting, with no purpose, in the middle of my room.

The coolest new development of the day is probably the fact that I'm tinfoil wrapping my entire room. It gives it a certain sort of aura, makes it all shiny and reflective. I'll try and get pictures up when I'm done.

Now, a question for your readers, since I have no idea who still reads this. If you are reading, try and answer:

If you could sleep with (and never see again) any three dead celebrities, who would they be? I thought long and hard and came up with these three:

1. Gregory Peck around the time he did To Kill a Mockingbird
2. Young Andy Warhol
3. Humphrey Bogart

Now, to let me know who is still here, reading, let me know what youy answers are. Think long and hard. Heath Ledger does not count, he's too fresh.-

WELL SHIT+

The post below this keeps showing up tiny. Copy and paste to notepad to enjoy.

Doucheland is Filled With Terrible Butts

So, this is Amanda's observation but it holds a lot of water and I thought I'd share.

Germany is filled with terrible butts. Not a round butt among them. You get this girls with Evian bottle waists and then, before you feel jealousy, notice that their butts are like round, Frisbee discs. Zum Beispiel:

I was waiting for the bus and a girl sat down near me. She had the face of Edie Sedgwick and the hair of Bonnie Tyler, bra strap sitcking out the back and tiny, ridiculous feet. She looked like a living Bratz doll with mascara crusted over her heart shaped face. She also was no thicker than, saaaay, a piece of paper. She also lacked the proper cushion to sit properly and so was balanced strangely leaning backwards. Ridiculous.

More food stories, however: In Amanda's absence I've had little else to do other than walk around and eat and notice very stupid things. In the meat section of Kaufland they sell hotdogs ALREADY COMPLETE, in the bun with a slice of yellow cheese. Just put on the grill! And there are a lot of these, not just a few. A lot. They have hamburgers. These aren't like your heat and run gas station burgers, these are honest to goodness, GO HOME AND DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S AMERICAN! I 'what the fucked' my way away from those and bought some marinated bargain meat that will give me precious protein.

Well, that was the post of the day. More observations to come.

OKAY DLAND, WHAT THE FUCK

I have some ridiculously stupid things to share about Germany today. First, the menu at Burger King is in English but they don't understand English there so you have to translate yourself. If it says ONION RINGS in big letters you should ask for Zwiebeln Ringen. Also, SIX, I shit you not, SIX tiny rings are 1.99 and then sauce is 0.25 extra. I got my six rings and ate them with Heinz Mild Curry sauce, WTF, which had the consistancy of honey. Also, Burger King Doucheland's breakfast menu is truly frightening. You can get a hash brown pattie on a bagel with, NO SHIT, tomato, cheese, and mayonnaise. I don't know why but it looks absolutely, truly a force I want no part of.

Also, I bought a picture of Humphrey Bogart today. I don't know why, it was just sitting there in a bargain bin for sale so I picked him up and I think I'll put him in my kitchen. James Dean can go in the bathroom.

I also found a store that sells nothing of interest. It was wall after wall of dog food, dried pasta in a bag, and discount cleaning supplies. I bought some dried onion snacks, FUNYUNS, and ran away.

Also, does anyone know what REALLY happened to Fruitopia? We used to have them in the school vending machines in High school, am I right? I haven't seen one in forever and when I look it up on The Google, I get a hit for Fruitopia Doucheland and it's pretty much Naked Juice. Has Fruitopia morphed to compete? This couple be a delicious battle.

I knew I had other things to say, but I cannot for the life of me remember. I'm really thirsty. JAAA NEEEE.

Wetter

The weather here is retarded. I mean that in the literal sense since it is slow and not quite up to date. I think Trier thinks that it is Spring. Or perhaps it thinks that it is.....yeah, Spring. Spring all year long is NOT nice as it means that it is warm and then COLD and then warm and then RAINING AND RAINING AND RAINIANINGIN all the day long.

WeebleKraken

I walked past a bush today that started laughing in a deep, hearty voice and so, OF COUSE, I assumed that an old man was hiding in it and laughing to scare me. OF COURSE the old man couldn't have been BEHIND it with people, taking a walk and laughing jovially. He was totally IN the bush.

Yesterday we went on a Beer Vacation Thing and walked into the woods in the dark of the night and drank bier and ate pretzels. It was interesting that a school led function involving the dark Wald and beer for us wee students.

I'm really hungry right now. And I need to pee. And my eyes hurt, so off I go!!!

I thrill when I drill a bicuspid...

I sprayed some of my peach spray on my pajama shirt since I still smell like a bar but now I can only smell the alcohol in the stuff and feel a little sick.

Imagine, if you will, a small Irish pub in the middle of Germany. It's karaoke night and all of the international students are there. All of the employees, thank god, spoke english but I think the Irish guy thought I was ein bisschen retarded since my third gin and fifth shot didn't go down so hot. I coughed most of it back up into the glass.

While we were there, Mao left early. Mao, a sweet, pretty Japanese girl, has had her heart broken over one of our older (and I mean REALLY older) tutors who had a small indiscretion with another student (how this happened, I don't know since the student in question speaks Spanish and little German and the tutor speaks almost no English and only German. Maybe he speaks Spanish, this would surprise me). Sad faces all around. Tonight we're going to make her dinner and feed her delicious candy so perhaps she will forget this mishap of the heart.

In other news, I made myself proud by very tone-deafly singing my way through the Scissor Sisters, DENTIST! from Little Shop of Horrors, and All Star by Smashmouth in a German bar in front of a lot of people. Amanda recorded it and I still can't believe how tone deaf I am. It's ridiculous, it should be illegal.

To get to this point I downed a shot of jagermeister, a shot of gin, and a shot of tequila. About an hour later I pounded two gins (one of which came back up, it was harrowing) and then I made my way to the stage once more.

I think this is the proudest thing I've ever had the privilege to say:

I sang Dentist, Steve Martin's role, from Little Shop of Horrors in an Irish pub in Germany.

THE KRAKEN

I also thought I should let you know that I am the GREAT KRAKEN of the Sea.

I jumped into a fountain a couple of days ago, splashed around, and then shouted to all of Trier that I was not only A Kraken but THE GREAT KRAKEN of the Sea, or otherwise, The Fountain in the University.

I also made a delicious macaroni that has been dubbed "Kraken Mac" which is full of cheese and crack.

Also, Amanda just informed me that the division key is the forward slash. How ghey. In America we give everything their own keys.

I KILLED AN OLD LADY IN TRIER, JUST TO WATCH HER DIE

Yeah, so I was on the bus and I offered my seat to a nice lady with a cane, hoping to be polite. As she climbed into the seat she FELL between the wall and the seat onto the floor and started SCREAMING about her leg.

I stood there, not able to flee, not able to help. I grabbed her arm and tried to wrest her from the clutches of the bus but to no avail. The bus stopped, people crowded, and I was alone, trying to pull the old woman out. The bus driver came to my aid and I stood there awkwardly, asking if she was okay in broken German.

So, yeah. I almost killed an old lady. Adventures in Germany? Or failures. You make the choice.

DELICIOUS PEAS

I've gone out a couple of days without posting since the connection here is shoddy at best. Here's some of the stuff I typed out earlier.

You wouldn't believe some of the shit here in Europe. There are, like, twenty kinds of ketchup and everything has paprika in it. Nothing is spicy, abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I spent today sitting outside of a callshop reading Poppy Z. Brite next to a drifter I'm sure could read my mind. So far I've been hit on by a strange Brit from Manchester who keeps fucking with my Panda backpack and an Eastern European named Otto that looks like a Russian war criminal. I've eaten some bread and chips. Fucking delicious chips, though. I think I'm addicted to potato chips.

WTF

So, my spoon bit me. Bit me right in the hand and I bled everywhere.

Also, my hair is red now.

Dingen

So, things are pretty much becoming routine, here. The Japanese students gsave me some delicious candy and we all took a 45 minute walk to a beach. It was a student beach on the river where you mostly sit and drink.

Nothing too interestring has happen. Maybe keeping a blog wasn't a great idea since there's nothing to write about. Except boring shit. I made a casserole in a pot which consisted of noodles, cheeses, kräuterbutter and Thai Sweet Chili potatoe chips. It was delicious. Stuff like that.

Nothing Happening Yet

Yet another day of nothing. I went to the store, though, in the city and bought a 30€ pot which I then burned things in. It's soaking in my sink right now. I walked a lot, ate a very little, and then came to the library. I was supposed to go to the river today with the Interantional people but felt like I hadn't slept much since I got here and chose to sleep until 3 pm instead. It was a good idea as I got to buy a pot and walk around a lot. And I bought a spoon. That was cool.

I don't think anything much is going to happen on the weekends since I don't have a phone and can't call anyone. I'm sure Amanda is out making friends as we speak but I think sleeping was a good choice because now I don't want to die every minute I have to walk from one bus stop to the next. I should also shower, there isn't much time for anything during the week.

I haven't gotten to practice much German today because talking to German people scares me but we'll see: when Amanda gets back maybe I can talk with her but the tour doesn't get back on the bus until 19:00 and I don't know how long the ride is.

Okay, enough boring things. I'll update Monday since Germany closes everything Sunday.

WTF Amanda speaks German?!?!?!

I actually thought of you, Salena, when Hercules came on. OF COURSE I watched that. 10,000 BC was so bad I turned it off after ten minutes. Okay, maybe more. 20 minutes, tops.

Germany has finally gotten interesting. We took an exam to place us in groups and I got the retard group. My friend there, Miller, only wrote his name on the test. Interesting thing, Miller is from St.Thomas and lives in DinkyTown. He leaves for Afghanistan (he's in the army) in three weeks and doesn't speak any German. We're gunna go get tattoos next week. :O You'd be very surprised that I hang out with him because he's pretty different from my usual group, but he's bmy Trier buddy and he's out drinking with Roman, the French guy, and David, the German one. Roman is so French it hurts; we went out to dinner and at the end he started talking up FOUR German ladies. Thex invited him to their table and he drank their wine, it was ridiculous. Whatta playa. Ladies, they're suckers for the french. Also, German is very pleasing in a French accent, it's cute.

So, things I've done: no awkward mistakes yet but they could be on the way. Miller intends to tell David that I fancy him and this could lead to me cracking heads. :P The International students all went out to dinner last night and then to a bar in the Judengasse called Styxx (with two 'x's). That was pretty cool. Best part is, we went with our tutors. Hamline would never allow something like that but we all went and got smashed and Roman sang a French drinking song and Amanda and I sang 'Livin on a Prayer'.

I was not so optimistic at first since things sort of sucked, being alone a lot, and I spent the better part of my days in my room, reading Margaret Atwood and listening to The Decemberists. Emo is no longer in my vocabulary since I'm less into Emo now than turn of the century fashion and history. Europe changes you, dude. Amanda would say differently; she'd tell you I was cutting myself in the fountains and crying at night but that's just because she's giving me shit. :O

So far I've met some cool people. Özga from Turkey is really nice, and so are the Japanese students, all whose names I know but can't spell properly so I won't try. Miller is cool, we talk about the stuff we miss (he hates Chipotle?! WTF) and Roman, the French guy, Regina, the Russian girl, and this girl from Poland are all really nice. The girl from Poland looks exactly like Jeanine from Switzerland, our senior year. It's crazy.

My German is much better now and I can hold whole conversations and understand a huge amount. I bought Dance, Dance, Dance by Haruki Murakami in German which is called, 'Tanz mit dem Schlafsman' or, Dance with the Sleepman. I'm pretty excited, aparently Murakami is really popular in Russia. I feel worldly now.

There are really no words for describing being in another country every moment and then waking up and knowing you're there for the long haul. Instead of being there for vacation and skipping through the language, you have to be familiar with all the roads and the buses and the people and the places. It's insane, I still don't know the way to Gebäude AB for sure, I walk around in the direction and hope to run into a sign. Also, German is in my every waking though. I think in German, I translate English songs in my head without trying, it's like a tiny dictionary in my head that's always open. The Japanese students call me the Otaku, too, since I mentioned some things about anime. I don't know whether to be proud or incredibly embaressed.

It's hot here but I finally bought a fan. My body cries daily and I've probably lost a lot of weight already from just not eating. I have no appetite and I only eat when I'm hungry. I've also never walked so much in my damn life; my feet are hardened and permanently black. When I get out of the shower my footprints are black with dirt.

So, Germany is alright. I haven't talked to Christopher yet but I intend to get his email adresse soon. Everyone should come visit me. Beck, when can you come? We'll do amaying things here, you'll fucking love it. It's a very 'precious' country.